Dienstag, 22. Dezember 2009

Do you feel it? I don't!

The weather is colder. I hear Christmas songs on the radio. I see Christmas lights and trees decorating the streets but do I feel the Christmas spirit? No.

Looking back at Christmas 2007, I had a better feeling because my finances were okay, gifts were already wrapped a month before the holiday, and debts were paid. This year is entirely the opposite.

One of my good friends told me that Christmas is just a commercialized holiday. Maybe so but it's also the time where families unite, enemies set aside their differences, etc. She also said that we should not wait for Christmas to show our good deeds. We should send our love all year long. So true.

I wish I can make a difference in other's people's lives so I can feel the Christmas spirit all year long. But in order for me to do that, I have to clear my head of all worries and my heart of all anger and my soul of all angst. It's a long process but I'll definitely get there...


Dienstag, 5. Mai 2009


It took me a week and a half to get over my foolish drinking spree last April 30. I am not talking about the Grade B hangover that I got the day after but the awful feeling I got about myself.

When I was a kid, I've always hated those people who are problematic and then would resort to alcohol to have a temporary escape. Never thought I would be one of them. I even revealed my wasted side to a bunch of people I have only known for less than a month.

It was a good thing that my kids are in Batangas, so they did not see their beloved mom break into pieces. However, if my kids were at home waiting for me at that time, I would have had the strength to drink in moderation. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this blog.

My mind would always go back to March 28, 2009. My eldest daughter Charlize, woke up early but did not leave the bed. She just lied there. I felt something was bothering her so I asked what's wrong.

"Mommy, I'm sad because today is my graduation and I am not there," she said with warm tears falling down her young, rosy cheeks.

That was the biggest heartbreak of my life. She was not able to graduate because I was not able to pay her tuition balance because I lost my job two months ago. Last January when that happened, the pain has not sink in yet but that fateful day when I saw Charlize crying it felt like my heart will never be whole again.

I always pray to God. If you are going to give me painful challenges, I would accept it whole-heartedly but please never let my kids feel them not even a light stroke. But I felt betrayed.

I even made matters worse by drinking too much. I was selfish because I turned to alcohol for a quick fix not thinking of the kids who are depending on me. I even allowed myself to go astray by wanting a complete stranger's attention not knowing if he is a gentleman or a complete asshole.

I have a bad habit of dwelling in the past. My PST trainer Madz taught us a valuable lesson: "learn to detach." Something I really have to work on. Focus. Keep my eye on the prize. I am not here for a fairytale ending. I am not a princess locked up in a tower waiting for her prince to rescue her. I am a mother living, fighting and striving for her kids. Never would I let myself be derailed again.


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